Once again, I'm not following my own plans but I think this post could have beneficial effects for me, those around me and support for anybody else who suffers with BDP/EUPD...hence, I've allowed myself to post it. I was given a prognosis of Borderline Personality Disorder/ Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder by my local Crisis team that has been supported as a working diagnosis by my doctor and a psychiatric nurse (let alone my own research and support from friends with experience); so whilst I haven't had a final diagnosis, I believe I am warranted to discuss the issue and recount my experience. It has taken this long to get to this diagnosis because the condition is often confused with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, anorexia and others. This is a pretty hefty post, but I do hope it is helpful to somebody. At the very least, it should help raise awareness. I start with showing symptoms of the condition found in my previous blog posts, then my life leading up to recent times, and finish with my most recent experiences. In the first two sections, symptoms are in italics. If you can relate to them, please do not self-diagnose, but speak to a professional like your GP.
In previous blogs:
- "I get bored easily" (June).
- "My life still feels quite turbulent. I cannot remember when my fingernails were not completely bitten back. This process - of feeling confused, depressed and vulnerable, then clarity, enjoyment and a degree of peace - is continuing with no apparent end or purpose. It is like watching an endless tennis match...apart from, in this instance, I'm the tennis ball: thwacked and thwopped from one side to the other at 100mph. I don't know how to answer the question, "How are you?", anymore" (July); "I seemed to be switching between feeling very sad/defeated and angry/content with being selfish" (October).
- See also "RESURRECTION" and "You're the judge (oh-oh)" for examples of elation/rapid thinking, or "Lessons from heartbreak" for consequences of unstable and toxic relationships.
- "I get bored easily" (June).
- "My life still feels quite turbulent. I cannot remember when my fingernails were not completely bitten back. This process - of feeling confused, depressed and vulnerable, then clarity, enjoyment and a degree of peace - is continuing with no apparent end or purpose. It is like watching an endless tennis match...apart from, in this instance, I'm the tennis ball: thwacked and thwopped from one side to the other at 100mph. I don't know how to answer the question, "How are you?", anymore" (July); "I seemed to be switching between feeling very sad/defeated and angry/content with being selfish" (October).
- See also "RESURRECTION" and "You're the judge (oh-oh)" for examples of elation/rapid thinking, or "Lessons from heartbreak" for consequences of unstable and toxic relationships.
In life:
- I used to say I was an adrenaline junky, when in fact I just got a thrill from being reckless. In adolescence this took the form of painful experiences on a mountain bike, or an eagerness for parkour (not unique to a teenage boy, I know); but I always dreamt of skydiving, bungee-jumping, squirrel-suiting etc. Fortunately, my desire to achieve and a good upbringing prevented most backtalk (talkback?) to teachers.
- Both my ex-partners said I'm like The Hulk with regards to my anger which can rear up quickly and be overpowering. Interestingly, I seem to relate most to the contemporary Hulk who said in Avengers Assemble that he's "always angry"; anger seems to be my underlying 'emotion', as if it's constantly simmering and is ever ready to boil over.
- I think I've struggled with blaming others for my issues for longer than I've thought.
- In December '16, I experienced psychosis after prolonged and extreme stress, combined with reckless suicidal behaviour.
- Resorting to maladaptive coping strategies has led to/worsened my addictive personality.
- I've always had a bad memory, which is just a characteristic of mine, though I do seem to be especially forgetful when stressed.
- My lovely previous partner once likened me to a chameleon who changes colour to its surroundings - though I was watching QI the other day and apparently they change according to their mood/temperature instead of environment?! - meaning that I seemed to adapt to different groups of people so I get on with most folk. Of course there are some groups I just can't get on with, though it is true that I like to approach/be approached by all types of people. The downside of this is that I have issues with believing that I'm actually putting on a face, like a mask, and that underneath I'm actually extremely unlikeable. Sometimes I can identify and combat this, but most of the time I don't even realise. For a long time I have believed people will abandon me when they know the real me. This seems absurd, and it is, but it's actually become so subtle that I don't find it strange when I get annoyed at people for laughing at my jokes because in my head they're falling for a trick; it actually comes back to hating myself (instead of being annoyed at people for its own sake) since I then treat myself like a trickster for 'catching out' my wonderful friends.
- I used to say I was an adrenaline junky, when in fact I just got a thrill from being reckless. In adolescence this took the form of painful experiences on a mountain bike, or an eagerness for parkour (not unique to a teenage boy, I know); but I always dreamt of skydiving, bungee-jumping, squirrel-suiting etc. Fortunately, my desire to achieve and a good upbringing prevented most backtalk (talkback?) to teachers.
- Both my ex-partners said I'm like The Hulk with regards to my anger which can rear up quickly and be overpowering. Interestingly, I seem to relate most to the contemporary Hulk who said in Avengers Assemble that he's "always angry"; anger seems to be my underlying 'emotion', as if it's constantly simmering and is ever ready to boil over.
- I think I've struggled with blaming others for my issues for longer than I've thought.
- In December '16, I experienced psychosis after prolonged and extreme stress, combined with reckless suicidal behaviour.
- Resorting to maladaptive coping strategies has led to/worsened my addictive personality.
- I've always had a bad memory, which is just a characteristic of mine, though I do seem to be especially forgetful when stressed.
- My lovely previous partner once likened me to a chameleon who changes colour to its surroundings - though I was watching QI the other day and apparently they change according to their mood/temperature instead of environment?! - meaning that I seemed to adapt to different groups of people so I get on with most folk. Of course there are some groups I just can't get on with, though it is true that I like to approach/be approached by all types of people. The downside of this is that I have issues with believing that I'm actually putting on a face, like a mask, and that underneath I'm actually extremely unlikeable. Sometimes I can identify and combat this, but most of the time I don't even realise. For a long time I have believed people will abandon me when they know the real me. This seems absurd, and it is, but it's actually become so subtle that I don't find it strange when I get annoyed at people for laughing at my jokes because in my head they're falling for a trick; it actually comes back to hating myself (instead of being annoyed at people for its own sake) since I then treat myself like a trickster for 'catching out' my wonderful friends.
- The consequence of this belief is that I become very emotionally attached to people who do know the 'real me', leading to unstable relationships. I may rely on some people too much, acting like a jealous and fragile partner if they take long to reply or say something I don't expect or understand. On the other hand, I may push them away, believing that it's better for my sake if they leave me sooner, or better for their sake because I will eventually hurt them. Clearly, this is not a healthy approach to any relationship/partnership/friendship.
New experiences:
- Complete. Instability. Ever since the overdose I have no idea what I'll be like - or more accurately, who I'll be. I'm understanding why it's called a personality disorder now. If somebody is sad most of the time, they'll probably become likened to a sad person...no? Same with a happy person. If you're happy a lot, you may put 'bubbly' on a dating profile. With BDP/EUPD, instead of having mood swings, it's like I have personality swings. Imagine a triangle with "Angry", "Sad" and "Happy" in each vertex. Now imagine another triangle overlaying the original triangle, of an area twice the size (for example). In the vertices of the larger triangle read "Violent fury", " Suicidal depression" and "Elation". My emotions are very intense and very hard to control.
- Complete. Instability. Ever since the overdose I have no idea what I'll be like - or more accurately, who I'll be. I'm understanding why it's called a personality disorder now. If somebody is sad most of the time, they'll probably become likened to a sad person...no? Same with a happy person. If you're happy a lot, you may put 'bubbly' on a dating profile. With BDP/EUPD, instead of having mood swings, it's like I have personality swings. Imagine a triangle with "Angry", "Sad" and "Happy" in each vertex. Now imagine another triangle overlaying the original triangle, of an area twice the size (for example). In the vertices of the larger triangle read "Violent fury", " Suicidal depression" and "Elation". My emotions are very intense and very hard to control.
Somebody with this condition experiences emotions to an extreme degree, and they can change very quickly. It's like I change from a stereotypical convict with anger issues (which is unfortunately not far from the stereotype of BDP/EUPD, so it seems), to the life of any party. Obviously, emotions are more varied and complex, so it'd be more like a circle than a triangle, but the latter was better for an example. Can you see why I struggle to know who I am?
What makes it worse is that my family and local friends only see me at my most 'normal'. I may seem irritative or depressed, but I certainly don't look 'that bad'. They haven't seen me walking around at night because I haven't slept for 30 hours. They haven't seen me when I'm lying in my bed, staring ahead motionlessly (like Stewie Griffin when he has the ADD pills), because there are so many thoughts going around my mind that I can't capture any of them. I can't follow my emotions, or tell which ones are reliable or true, let alone anybody who can't get inside my head (which is most people). Sometimes my emotions and thoughts do make sense to me, because they're all interlinked: apparently they don't make sense to other people. I'm misled like humanity in its sin. Some friends do understand, which is wonderful, but some have listened to my rants and seemed unable to help...because they can't! It's like being in a labyrinth, apart from the labyrinth changes and changes quickly. Furthermore, in my eyes, it *might* just be a straight road. How on earth would somebody reach out a hand in that situation? Am I holding your hand or this just another illusion? I get so stressed that to prevent me from tearing my hair out or walking into traffic, I distract myself with TV or YouTube, which only aids my ongoing spiral into isolation. I can rarely exercise since I may be able to eat only 400 calories in a day, or barely move for hours. I hope the complexity of this condition is starting to come across.
I am still me. Maybe. I mean, if I am me, I don't know when. Indeed, I don't know how long I'll be me...or at least a pleasant me. It's really difficult not to believe that the likes of Gabriella or lost friends have dodged a bullet. They probably did. Whatever I think changes quickly anyway: "Maybe there's hope?"; "Look at the damage"; "It's better not to talk"; "But I need them"; "Try and work things out"; "They're better without me"...essentially the normal post-relationship/friendship thinking but seemingly more extreme. Sometimes people suggest I try to remember what they think of me, but the lies still seep in with camouflage. If we do talk, I often victimise myself - maybe to try and even things out? I don't know. That should be written on my tombstone (like that'll be affordable!) as the new caption of my life:
I don't know.
Whenever I talk to people I try to ask how they are so I don't get others involved in my introspective spirals. It's pretty foolproof. I can't spend very long with people in real life since I get exhausted quickly, so I tend to talk to friends mostly over Messenger. This isn't ideal when isolation is a problem but there's little I can do until I'm in an environment that provides psychiatric support and routine. This will be provided in the programme I hope to join soon. It is very expensive, so if I am accepted I will set up a fundraising account for anybody who wishes to help.
I hope this has been beneficial to more than just me.
I hope this has been beneficial to more than just me.
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