A story that nearly had an ending

TW: The following post contains language/imagery that some readers may find upsetting.

The flood waters had been rising and falling as they do.

Then, they rose.

From multiple sources, all coming in; very subtle at first so I was unaware for a long time. I'd notice things were off sometimes, but only when my thoughts were already out of place. Ehhh.

Then it worsened.

It became more obvious: I started noticing the water, where it came in. It had already become stagnant in some places; it would require a proper effort to clear it. Efforts were made, but never fully successful. How could they be?, when nasty-smelling stuff was rising up without even attracting my attention.

Going to uni was the game-changer. The new experiences. The opportunities. A new style of life! It felt great. Little did I know that the consequences of both old and newly made choices, combined with different types of stress, led to the gradual opening of separate floodgates. When I realised what was going on, it was far too late. I got help - I had to be rescued. I'd slipped over on the wet floor: this became a regular occurrence. I let people in. We tried to look for the sources to plug them, but the water levels kept rising. There was some apparent progress at times. Illusory, unfortunately.

My inner quality of life deteriorated. I lost the ground floor and had to survive upstairs. People helped; lo, 'twas a complex situation. Eventually I had to give up uni in the hope that the stress would stop the pungent waters rising. It did so for a moment, but the other sources opened up, or restarted their spewing of the unhealthy fluids. I tried sorting things by myself; sometimes making things better, but more often worse.

I began to camp in the bedroom. The chamber of pleasure and rest became my survival raft as the waters still rose. Tough decisions and unfortunate events occurred. Things only got worse. From the outside the house was still standing and appeared functional, though its owner was in torment and debt. Those who ventured in could see the trouble. Some swam to provide supplies and comfort.

Finally, I moved into the attic. Dark. Alone. The black, lifeless water cutting off hope as it lapped up to the hatch. Only in sleep did I drift away to warmer tides, even feeling sand between my toes before waking up shivering. A few books. Late-night comedy. Alcohol, cigarettes and pornography. Starting to lose oxygen. Cried for help. A few came but didn't know how to help; or if they did, it oft-times made me worse. Underneath, the floodgates are open and still flowing. Any effort was futile. Darkness all around: outside-in; inside-out. My eyes strain to see the letters I read or write. Bed's soaking. Everything stinks.

The end is inevitable.

How did it get so bad? Didn't I try?

Should I just wait in agony, or do it myself? No; wait, hang on. To what? Do it. No, I'll keep trying.

Don't bother. It'll be ages before you're missed. You're only endangering the houses on either side. You're the cause. You're the problem, you always have been.

No it's okay that's not true. I'm loved and have hope...

Hope? Hope?! You idiot. Just finish it; everyone'll be better off.

No...stop!

Die! No! DIE! NO! DIE! DIE! DIE!!!




Angry parents. Abusive nurses. A cannula in each arm. Disbelief all around. Such potential, nearly wasted.

"We're all our own solutions."

F*** off.

Back in the attic. Quiet. Water gently rises. Thinking. My stomach rumbles and gurgles; I have no appetite. More thinking.

"Get a job" - get your head outta your arse. Night becomes my day. Little sleep.

2 a.m. Wakey-wakey.

I still love Him.

CLUNK. A few of the floodgates close.

I still love Him. I feel betrayed - that's why I don't talk to Him - but He hasn't changed. He didn't shut the floodgates...but He didn't let me drown. A peace. A presence. Warmth in the cold. Hope. True hope. Somehow, He's in control. A smile. Colour.

A sigh. Okay, you're here. But...there's so much to do. Everything's rotting. Everybody's so worried and hurt. Where do I begin? Seriously? Hello...?

Psalm 46:10.

Fin.