Lessons from heartbreak

In a kind of irony, last month's 'thought' became a reality in my life, as I gave up that which I considered most precious to me. It had been building for a while, but it was only after a day of hard-thinking and an excruciating night of emotional pain that I accepted that Gabriella and I needed to break up. Looking back on my journal, I wrote of the pain that genuinely felt as if my heart was being ripped out. Neither of us have felt that level of pain, due to how close we were. Even now, there is nobody on this Earth who knows me like she does. The last thing we said to each other on the day of the break-up was "I love you"...and we still love each other exceedingly.

So why go through all the pain?

Because of love.

Eh?

It's true. Throughout the past year, she has essentially kept me alive. She has understood my struggles and my pain like nobody else, because she was going through the same thing. I wouldn't have made it through this year. We learnt how to distract each other, how to help each other cope and eventually how to start recovery. There have been plenty of issues surrounding our relationship and all of our struggles, but a main issue that remained was the bad habits we had assumed whilst trying to cope with the turmoil inside our heads. Unfortunately, we found we weren't strong enough to stop these habits whilst we were still together...in fact we ended up urging each other on, most of the time. This counter-intuitively worsened our mental health, since it was damaging our relationship with Jesus and hence causing anxiety/guilt etc. By July, there was a lot of 'fog' around every aspect of our relationship that prevented us from simply being around each other. I felt uneasy when stepping into Church, and jealous when she would worship God as her first love, the latter of which set alarm bells ringing.

Lesson: We are creatures of habit. Fellow followers of Jesus, if you find yourself in a habit that is contrary to the ways of the Spirit (Rom. 8:4-8), do not kid yourself into thinking that it won't (continue to) affect your life - including relationships - if you carry on.

Ultimately, we ended it. We obeyed God. My pastor, Tim Smith, spoke on how obeying God means to walk in his commandments, on Sunday evening. In John 15:10 makes it clear that we must obey the commandments given by God; in Mark 12:28 and Romans 13:8 we learn that the Law is summed up with commandments to love God with everything we have, and then to love our neighbour as ourselves. If I love God with everything I have, my manner of living will change: I will be spending time with God and we naturally become more like those with whom we spend time. There will always be a disparity between the ideal lifestyle of a follower of Jesus (the way Jesus lived) and the reality; indeed, Jesus seemed to have a soft-spot for outcasts and scumbags. The important thing is the mindset: 1 Sam. 16:7b "man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart". Do I want to be more like Jesus? Do I want to have more love for God, myself and others (when you're connected to the source of love and life, it flows naturally to all areas of life...the stronger the connection, the more it overflows)? If I do, then I will be more inclined to let God in - He knocks, but He does not barge in. If I do not, then I need to seek advice or help, or make a necessary change if I'm able. 

Whilst Gabby and I were together, we were hindering our desire to be more like Christ, or were blocking our own/each other's paths that would allow us to continue on our journey with the Lord. Upon realising this, I could choose to try and keep the relationship going on our own strength, though it was already showing signs of stagnation, or I (we) could give her (each other) up back to our creator. One choice was selfish, the other was selfless. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I should. Now that it's been a few weeks, I still really want to be with her, but I am glad we made the decision and have stuck by it. I cannot deny that I wish we would be together someday in the future (which she knows), but only if that decision is triggered by God, which nobody can predict. So, for the foreseeable future, we are both committing ourselves to our Creator. I have seen great change already, in the peace I feel, the dissipation of depression, and how my mindset has changed to be more selfless. 

Lesson: "God has no grandchildren", I heard somebody say recently. It's very true. If He adopts you, which He so wishes to do, then expect to be disciplined like a child. He's not malicious; "For He disciplines the one he loves" (Hebrews 12:6).

Though this month has been painful, it does not call for sorrow, but rejoicing. God is working in my life. If there was no God, or He did not look out for my best interests, then none of this would make sense. I would not have been willing to go through the pain - if you disagree, then...well, get your head out of your ass - and I would not have stuck to it. I certainly wouldn't be feeling peace and joy right now. God wants to heal broken hearts.

That's it for August. Hebrews 11:6; Psalm 51:17.

Thought for the month: To whom/what are you answerable? Partner? Friends? Yourself? Anyone who has an opinion? Now ask yourself why. If you feel able, consider what you'd do if they left or passed away.