The root of my issues

It's taken more than ten months of mentoring, shovelling muck, and messy community for me to get to this point. I arrived at Gilead Foundations knowing that I had issues - a lot of them. Yet, somehow, I was reluctant to accept them. Today I received a revelation that explains all of my issues whilst holding them all together. It is a truth that I have been told over and over, but have never known. It has taken study, prayer and a willingness to alter foundational beliefs that were untrue. Finally, I have an understanding that is allowing me to accept the fullness of God's love, which has always been a mystery to me.

The source of my difficulties is found in one place: me!

(Classic Christian blog, you think. I would have thought the same. I may be writing this to an audience of just one person who finds this helpful on their journey towards God: so be it. Even if I am writing this just as a simple expression of thanks to God for His work in me, I am content.)

Allow me to back up to explain myself.

On the first day of August, I started a workbook called "The Genesis Process", which self-identifies as "A relapse prevention workbook for addictive/compulsive behaviors" (the authors are American, give them a break). It is based on "client participation, counselor involvement and proven counseling techniques". It is absolutely fantastic and I could not do it credit here. Put simply, it gets to the root of a client's compulsive behaviour and corrects false beliefs in the areas of identity, control, fear etc., whilst putting in place healthy accountability to self and others, with the aim of allowing the client to live a life without addiction. 

Initially, I was reluctant to even accept that I had issues. Slowly, after a few weeks, I admitted that I don't like accepting things about myself that are unpleasant, especially issues of vulnerability and honesty. I realised how people-pleasing was a central issue. I began to accept that all of our actions come from choice and that I must challenge anxious/angry/arrogant thoughts. I slowly realised that humility was necessary to successfully progress in recovery, which means that I am not necessarily right. I gained understanding of how I have used a variety of different mechanisms to anaesthetise pain and fear instead of facing them. Anxiety was present in almost every area of my life, yet I started to learn that I could do something about it. In the late autumn, I learnt that I have maintained narcissistic tendencies since a young lad (confirmed by my father who is a psychotherapist, who wisely did not tell me so until the right time). Manipulation, arrogance, judgmentalism...slowly, more and more profound truths came up, each more surprising, unpleasant and fragile than the previous. (Above: Narcissus, Caravaggio)

Many of these things (and many other things - I have filled nine journals and three notebooks in my time here) overlapped in their occurrence. Whilst I did feel overwhelmed at times, I look back and see that it was guided by an unseen hand. By myself, or even by the guidance of Gilead, it would have happened in the wrong order and I would have had a breakdown and returned to a depressive, uncooperative state. 

Essentially, I learnt that I am reliant upon other people in my life, instead of myself. Whenever I started to rely on myself, things started to go downhill. I slowly learnt this by making many mistakes, but being in a loving environment that has helped me to understand them. Yet, other people could not guide my life - indeed, basing my identity upon others' views of me was one of my problems! Stability only came when I based it upon God. I returned to Him each time, relying on His definition of Himself and me. He sets the rules. 

Yet one thing did not change: I could not truly receive love. I had come to realise that, whilst I understand the idea of love and I could appreciate it, I never actually let it in. I had begun to step out in faith, seeing healings and transformation, even growing in knowledge and wisdom...yet not knowing love. I prayed for months to know His love. Did I know it? Had I experienced it? Was it just...less impressive than I thought? 

Then, on Monday, I gained new understanding. With the help of my wonderful girlfriend, I came to the realisation that I do not believe I deserve love. How could I receive it, if I do not believe I deserve it? This was ground-breaking! It explains the root of many of my issues. But...now what?

It occurred to me about a month ago to do some study on the Cross, since I realised I have little understanding of this central event of eternity. I walked up to Calvary, asking what it was all about, like Susan after seeing the risen Aslan. I was at the feet of Jesus. I look up...and I cannot relate to His sacrifice. Why? This is the revelation I have received:

               I did not believe I am responsible for His death.

I have been a Christian for nearly a decade, yet I have not truly believed that Jesus died for me, because I have not seen myself as His murderer. I have been a Christian, yes - Romans. 10:9 says we are Christians if we confess Him as Lord with our mouths and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead. But it has taken years of maturing to actually believe in my heart that I killed Him. I was re-experiencing the Gospel; more truly this time. I went through all the questions of how I was involved. But that was not the end.

This morning I learnt of a more profound, more blasphemous, more humbling truth that explains why I did not believe I am responsible for His death. It is actually written all throughout the Bible and it is preached and taught by Christian leaders all around the world. It is condemned in the second of the Ten Commandments.

               I believe I am God.

This may sound ridiculous; but is it really? I have not seen myself as culpable because I have lived in an illusion of self-elevation, in which I am above the sinful humanity for whom Jesus died. If I judge others - which I am inclined to do - then I raise myself up into a position worthy of judging others. I don't know their background, their thoughts or what they do when they're alone. Only God knows all that. (This inclination is seen all over the place: do we not culturally idolise Google as omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent?) If I am God, then I am already righteous. However, this does not fit reality. Thus, I attained a perfectionist attitude that attempted to alter my life to fit with my illusion. I fear being human. I have been so terrified of vulnerability and weakness that I have covered it up with reams of (self-)deceit (all lies starts with self-deceit - see the fall of Satan). I have not been able to experience the fullness of God's love because I have not seen myself as deserving of His wrath. What is forgiveness without the hurt? 

God has not been answering my prayer to experience His love until now, because I have not approached Him with the correct structure in place. Dr Larry Crabb writes, "From the example of the Israelites, it is clear that God will not listen to me if I approach him proudly, requiring that he prove himself to me, thinking that I have the right to demand him to do things on my behalf" (Finding God; p. 96). Now that I am bowing at the Cross instead of standing, with hands on hips, in unconscious judgement of it, I am starting to experience the sweet river that so many sing about. My main love language is, I believe, time-spending. Jesus obviously knows this (He designed me so He would) and revealed to my heart this morning that He wants to spend time with me. I connected with this truth and knew a glimpse of the forthcoming empowerment (Eph. 3:14-21). The very best thing is that I have barely tasted of this sweet river. It will only get better! What a wonderful truth!

In giving up all control, in accepting my identity as a creature of God, and in accepting that God is God, I am coming to know life without anxiety and depression as God intended. Life is going to be very tough, but that's okay because my life is in His hands! Better yet, I am experiencing Him increasingly more and knowing ever more fulfilment (John 10:10). 

"I am the LORD; that is my name! I will not give my glory to anyone else, nor share my praise with carved idols." (Isa. 42:8. NLT)

All glory to God!

To my Valentine

You are so important to me.

I look around at the world and sometimes feel like I miss something that others have - then I remember that I have you. Relationships are hard, but we are meant to put the effort in and know what it means to love and be loved. I have that with you.

You motivate and accept me.

I have purpose and goals because of you. You make me feel alive and I don’t feel right when I’m away from you. I want to think about you all the time. I don't care what other people think because I know you and that you're in my heart. It may all be a cliché but that's because it's real. I know what true love is because of you and I want to be with you forever.

Thank you, Jesus: I love you.  

Recovery

On one sunny June morning, a 21 year-old boy, full of darkness and confusion, arrives at Gilead Foundations. He moves his belongings into his new room, fills out the necessary forms and settles in. He knows that this is the right place to be; he has reached rock bottom - though he tried to dig down further - but the time has come to turn around and start climbing up again. 

It is time to leave behind the selfish ways of childhood...and grow up.

Within one month of returning to work (physically/spiritually/mentally/emotionally), the boy's family say he is like a different person: willing to hold a conversation with those he previously blamed and disrespected; lighter in spirit and less angry; starting to open up, even accepting responsibility for his decisions. His sleep patterns have started to even out. He is eating healthily. Goodness me, is that...is that a smile?!

Slowly, surely, he changes. As he listens to those who know what they are talking about, he learns that he has believed the wrong things for many years. God is not malicious. This boy is not supposed to sort everything out by himself. He is worthy of love. He had believed these truths in his head, and confessed them, even taught them, to others; yet, emotionally, he had not truly believed them. Emotionally, he was not practising what he was preaching. "God is love and He wants you to experience His love" - "but His love does not apply to me: how dare I receive it?" God may have saved his spirit, but his mind was unrenewed and was enslaved to lies and desires.

Such change requires choice, however. Those who rely on compulsive behaviours to cope with life chose, at one point, to seek escape in their 'drug' of choice, instead of asking for help. They find it helps, for a brief moment in time, and use it again. Thus begins an addiction. Alcohol, heroine, sex, shopping, even exercise...anything that takes away the pain and fear. Our 21 year-old has relied on the wrong things for over a decade. He is blessed: some go for many decades without change; some never change; some never even learn that they need to change.

He chooses to take the more difficult route instead of blocking out the pain. He does not get it right straight away, and sometimes chooses to go back to the ways of comfort that he knows so well. However, because he has support - a lot of it - he is able to stop beating himself up and receive love and help. He discovers that he is worthy of love - he always was! He's actually kinda cool. He's liked himself before - too much, in fact; enjoying the attention of others had been one form of escape - but never truly loved himself. That is a choice. 

As this boy continues down the narrow path, it does not get easier. Yet, it becomes more rewarding. As he gives instead of just taking, he finds that it is better to give. It is more difficult, yet more rewarding. Giving...gives back. He learns many such new things. Putting these things in practise takes courage, but when he has faith, he grows. Things do not work out how he expected, but they turn out to be better in the end. This strange new life needs new tools, new muscles, new sight and new ears. Following Jesus turns out to be more difficult than he imagined, much more rewarding, and much, much more glorious. 

This boy has started to become a man.

Denial: singles & couples

(Written earlier in May)

As I write this, I am sat on the wall between Torre Abbey green and the beach, looking out to sea. I've been thinking that the only thing ruining this otherwise lovely evening (apart from the occasional stupid driver roaring past) is the couples who seem to make up the majority of the people walking past, or also enjoying the evening sun. I don't usually give in the couples/singles dichotomy (e.g. When I've been in a relationship I've made sure to not seem "coupley"), but I clearly feel in the minority and it highlights an aspect of my unhappiness. Indeed, I looked at my shadow and it was moving: upon looking behind me, the sun burned a silhouette of a smooching couple onto my retina.

Then I wondered how said couples would respond, if they could hear my thoughts. Some may rightly remind me that I should focus on being more grateful regarding what I do have. Some of them may claim that this should be 'their' time since the rest of the time is spent working, caring for kids or some other stress. I imagined how 'the town' would look if single people took over in the evenings and couples dominated the night. Obviously I am making generalisations in all this.

Now, I've been reading Slavoj Žižek, and his first chapter in Living in the End Times is called 'Denial'. It's absolutely fantastic and recommend everybody read it - especially those who identify as liberal. Denial has hence been on my mind. When I apply it to this topic, it becomes clear that we are often in denial of our own situations, and believe others' self-denial. Single life is hard, but there are things that make it easier. Life in a relationship is hard, but there are things that make it easier. Apologies to any Mormons: I can't comment on polygamous life.

Keeping this in mind, if I see a couple enjoying the sun, I am glad for them. They should enjoy the little things; as should the rest of us. We all have equal right to that. If they are showing off with gratuitous public affection then I remind myself they are not portraying a true reflection of life as a couple. They are in denial and I shouldn't believe it; just as couples shouldn't believe the image of single people "living it up", since it may be a coping mechanism enacted in denial. If they are truly enjoying themselves, then the couples should feel glad for those who are single, since they have something to enjoy. Life is hard for all of us. We can wish we were single, dating, single, married, Kermit...back and forth; or accept our own struggles and be glad when we each find things to enjoy. Wishing does very little, except for encouraging denial and frustration. Acceptance is key. 

¿Por qué prometemos?

¿Por qué prometemos? 

No sabemos 

Lo que pasará.

Parece insistimos

Que tenemos 

Fingir.

Por el porvenir.

Lo que vendrá

Determinará el promete.

Tu fé es fuerte;

Es un caso de suerte.

Pues...

¿Rodarás los dados?



Why do we promise?
We don't know
What will come to pass.

It seems we insist
That we have to
Pretend

For the future.
That which will come
Will determine the promise

Your faith is strong;
It's a case of luck
So...

Will you roll the dice?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow:

A twisted idea.
More work? More stress?
Do I still try my best?
All of it's pointless and we'll turn to dust,
It all looks the same, like we're stuck in a rut.
No time for answers,
That's it, back to work.
Don't even try, mate; and that's not a joke.
Get through today; have a drink, do you smoke?

Tomorrow:

We all need tomorrow.
A chance. Some hope.
Don't get stuck saying "nope".
Dream all want for it might just come true.
The sky is the limit, and you'll make it through.
Get off your backside,
Get up, try again!
So much is out there: we've been to the moon!
Why not keep going and why stop so soon?!

Today's all we have;
And it's quite enough.

Beautiful does not mean perfect

One of the projects in my final year of studying art in high school was entitled 'Patterns and Structure: Exploring decay in the natural world and challenging my perception of beauty'; essentially, I photographed a dying leaf and found myself more attracted to it than a healthy flower and wondered why. I consider it still.

There is beauty in perfection and there is a different beauty in imperfection. Consider:

A three-legged dog who still bounds around.

A dirty, battered teddy bear.

A marriage fighting against illness.

An unfinished symphony.

A love-letter that was never received.

A tree that yields just one flower.

A human.

None of my friends are perfect (whereas, clearly, I am). The vast majority of us seem to struggle with self-image, in some way. We all tell each other the same things without believing our own wisdom. I wonder if these thoughts will help us know we are beautiful, by removing connotations of perfection. Is a model more beautiful if they are covered in make-up, or crying on someone's shoulder as they open up about their issues? Which is more real and true? 

You're not perfect. If you're trying to be then I recommend you stop. The prior examples talk of love, commitment, faith, vulnerability, joy and hope. They may seem sadder, but that doesn't negate the other elements. Beauty, like these, is higher and lasts longer than happiness: it can reside past a memory. Similarly, it is not simple: like truth, it is multi-faceted, and is not stale in a Stoic eternity but changes with history. 

I am writing simplistically, because I have to. Each individual is flawed in their own complex way. Death, evil, loneliness, pain, suffering: these are not beautiful. Perhaps it's the fight against them that is; the declaration of truth in the face of hardship. Fighting together. I'm being simplistic because all I'm doing is planting seeds of thought.

Learning to (truly) love ourselves seems to be one of life's toughest lessons - which makes it sound as if it's possible to learn (I hope it is) - I know it is for me, anyway. Perhaps if we learn to accept living with flaws (not to say they're "good") we will uncover a delicate beauty, which will in turn help us love ourselves. How that looks depends on the individual. When I think of each of my friends and family, I think how each and every one of them is beautiful: partly in similar ways, partly in their own way. In a paradoxical way, it seems better to accept our ageing bodies and flawed characters as they change with time, than 'try' to fit the ideal. By fighting against the cultural ideal of what it means to 'stay beautiful', we will develop a more lasting, true beauty. I'm not at all saying we don't need to change: I'm encouraging us to think again about how we need to change. Compare a celebrity with Botox to a smiling pensioner on their way to bingo with friends. One can attempt to squeeze oneself into the idealistic standards of our culture, or accept and love oneself, "warts and all". 

Stop trying to be beautiful. You already are. 

The question is: do you see it?