The root of my issues

It's taken more than ten months of mentoring, shovelling muck, and messy community for me to get to this point. I arrived at Gilead Foundations knowing that I had issues - a lot of them. Yet, somehow, I was reluctant to accept them. Today I received a revelation that explains all of my issues whilst holding them all together. It is a truth that I have been told over and over, but have never known. It has taken study, prayer and a willingness to alter foundational beliefs that were untrue. Finally, I have an understanding that is allowing me to accept the fullness of God's love, which has always been a mystery to me.

The source of my difficulties is found in one place: me!

(Classic Christian blog, you think. I would have thought the same. I may be writing this to an audience of just one person who finds this helpful on their journey towards God: so be it. Even if I am writing this just as a simple expression of thanks to God for His work in me, I am content.)

Allow me to back up to explain myself.

On the first day of August, I started a workbook called "The Genesis Process", which self-identifies as "A relapse prevention workbook for addictive/compulsive behaviors" (the authors are American, give them a break). It is based on "client participation, counselor involvement and proven counseling techniques". It is absolutely fantastic and I could not do it credit here. Put simply, it gets to the root of a client's compulsive behaviour and corrects false beliefs in the areas of identity, control, fear etc., whilst putting in place healthy accountability to self and others, with the aim of allowing the client to live a life without addiction. 

Initially, I was reluctant to even accept that I had issues. Slowly, after a few weeks, I admitted that I don't like accepting things about myself that are unpleasant, especially issues of vulnerability and honesty. I realised how people-pleasing was a central issue. I began to accept that all of our actions come from choice and that I must challenge anxious/angry/arrogant thoughts. I slowly realised that humility was necessary to successfully progress in recovery, which means that I am not necessarily right. I gained understanding of how I have used a variety of different mechanisms to anaesthetise pain and fear instead of facing them. Anxiety was present in almost every area of my life, yet I started to learn that I could do something about it. In the late autumn, I learnt that I have maintained narcissistic tendencies since a young lad (confirmed by my father who is a psychotherapist, who wisely did not tell me so until the right time). Manipulation, arrogance, judgmentalism...slowly, more and more profound truths came up, each more surprising, unpleasant and fragile than the previous. (Above: Narcissus, Caravaggio)

Many of these things (and many other things - I have filled nine journals and three notebooks in my time here) overlapped in their occurrence. Whilst I did feel overwhelmed at times, I look back and see that it was guided by an unseen hand. By myself, or even by the guidance of Gilead, it would have happened in the wrong order and I would have had a breakdown and returned to a depressive, uncooperative state. 

Essentially, I learnt that I am reliant upon other people in my life, instead of myself. Whenever I started to rely on myself, things started to go downhill. I slowly learnt this by making many mistakes, but being in a loving environment that has helped me to understand them. Yet, other people could not guide my life - indeed, basing my identity upon others' views of me was one of my problems! Stability only came when I based it upon God. I returned to Him each time, relying on His definition of Himself and me. He sets the rules. 

Yet one thing did not change: I could not truly receive love. I had come to realise that, whilst I understand the idea of love and I could appreciate it, I never actually let it in. I had begun to step out in faith, seeing healings and transformation, even growing in knowledge and wisdom...yet not knowing love. I prayed for months to know His love. Did I know it? Had I experienced it? Was it just...less impressive than I thought? 

Then, on Monday, I gained new understanding. With the help of my wonderful girlfriend, I came to the realisation that I do not believe I deserve love. How could I receive it, if I do not believe I deserve it? This was ground-breaking! It explains the root of many of my issues. But...now what?

It occurred to me about a month ago to do some study on the Cross, since I realised I have little understanding of this central event of eternity. I walked up to Calvary, asking what it was all about, like Susan after seeing the risen Aslan. I was at the feet of Jesus. I look up...and I cannot relate to His sacrifice. Why? This is the revelation I have received:

               I did not believe I am responsible for His death.

I have been a Christian for nearly a decade, yet I have not truly believed that Jesus died for me, because I have not seen myself as His murderer. I have been a Christian, yes - Romans. 10:9 says we are Christians if we confess Him as Lord with our mouths and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead. But it has taken years of maturing to actually believe in my heart that I killed Him. I was re-experiencing the Gospel; more truly this time. I went through all the questions of how I was involved. But that was not the end.

This morning I learnt of a more profound, more blasphemous, more humbling truth that explains why I did not believe I am responsible for His death. It is actually written all throughout the Bible and it is preached and taught by Christian leaders all around the world. It is condemned in the second of the Ten Commandments.

               I believe I am God.

This may sound ridiculous; but is it really? I have not seen myself as culpable because I have lived in an illusion of self-elevation, in which I am above the sinful humanity for whom Jesus died. If I judge others - which I am inclined to do - then I raise myself up into a position worthy of judging others. I don't know their background, their thoughts or what they do when they're alone. Only God knows all that. (This inclination is seen all over the place: do we not culturally idolise Google as omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent?) If I am God, then I am already righteous. However, this does not fit reality. Thus, I attained a perfectionist attitude that attempted to alter my life to fit with my illusion. I fear being human. I have been so terrified of vulnerability and weakness that I have covered it up with reams of (self-)deceit (all lies starts with self-deceit - see the fall of Satan). I have not been able to experience the fullness of God's love because I have not seen myself as deserving of His wrath. What is forgiveness without the hurt? 

God has not been answering my prayer to experience His love until now, because I have not approached Him with the correct structure in place. Dr Larry Crabb writes, "From the example of the Israelites, it is clear that God will not listen to me if I approach him proudly, requiring that he prove himself to me, thinking that I have the right to demand him to do things on my behalf" (Finding God; p. 96). Now that I am bowing at the Cross instead of standing, with hands on hips, in unconscious judgement of it, I am starting to experience the sweet river that so many sing about. My main love language is, I believe, time-spending. Jesus obviously knows this (He designed me so He would) and revealed to my heart this morning that He wants to spend time with me. I connected with this truth and knew a glimpse of the forthcoming empowerment (Eph. 3:14-21). The very best thing is that I have barely tasted of this sweet river. It will only get better! What a wonderful truth!

In giving up all control, in accepting my identity as a creature of God, and in accepting that God is God, I am coming to know life without anxiety and depression as God intended. Life is going to be very tough, but that's okay because my life is in His hands! Better yet, I am experiencing Him increasingly more and knowing ever more fulfilment (John 10:10). 

"I am the LORD; that is my name! I will not give my glory to anyone else, nor share my praise with carved idols." (Isa. 42:8. NLT)

All glory to God!