You're the judge (oh-oh): Excerpt from journal 27/12/17

Started 'Texas Chainsaw' (not original). Usually I'd been v. critical, but I was actually satisfied. The characters were interesting & relatable, the scenes weren't OTT or 'slow'. Was this an average film? I want to see what others say. If the other reviews are condemning then it'd suggest I feel less condemning - if not then I'm not the thing that's changed & this movie was exceptional in its normality. Made me think: why do we judge? 

Overwhelmed at Q's and A's. 

If we haven't listened. If we sit thru a 'bad' movie but listen to the director. Seems fine in intentions and qualifications. Cameramen? Fine.

Is it bc it doesn't suit my taste? Or the publics'/critics'? Or our ideals? If somebody likes it, is mocked & later leads a revolution in the film industry w/ its legacy - are they a genius, fool or lucky bastard? 

Did you answer? Was about to write "fool!" for your judgement but then I'd be a judge, let alone for guessing the future. Is that allowed? Where's the line? Is deconstruction necessary, & if so, how far? 

Sometimes we're encouraged to "see past" the bad acting, poor cinematography, or tacky CGI. See past...to see what? Does a good plot save bad acting? What about if it's all but its core message is 'racism is bad'? Oh that's obvious now..., well what if it's to an area where that isn't obvious, like the UK or US? Does it depend on the film? The time? Place? Audience? Individual? 

One who supports orthodox (probably) "No!"

One who supports cultural relativism (probably) "Yes!".

Did I just reveal sth obvious & embarrassing that'll be pointed tomorrow, & sth in 30 years? Yes. That's for sure.

May write a blog & include that. Get praise, v. clever. Big my ego, just like now. "Oooh...awareness!". "Good for you". Not the gentle voice of God.

Still a fool. Still don't know most things. Still in the dark. Does that make sense? Should I scoff at making sense? Should I pity the scoffer? Should I rebuke the pitier? Should I judge the rebuker? Should I judge the judger? Should I love the judger? Should I pray for the lover? Should I covet the pray-er? Should I judge the coveter? Should I teach the judger? Should I teach the ones trying to answer these? Should I rebuke them? Should I entertain them, like I'm entertaining myself as the all-knowing one, like the ethics teacher who can see the elephant? Should I criticise myself? Should I ever stop

criticising myself? Should I start loving myself? Should I expect answers? Should I work for answers? Should I wait for answers? Should I try more or less? Should I start sleeping? Should I write sth clever? Should I write sth humble? (Clever people being stupid is humble). Should I thank the academy? (Woo fight club) Should I stop here? Should I stop being self-aware? Should I stop being self-aware-self-aware? Should I show off every area of possible interest to look really good? Should I keep reading Einstein, Sun Tzi, Pa...

There is meaning. I can hear it, in the quiet. So far away. "Hello?!" 

Try again in the morning.

That was fun. Now 00:30 - early night. Mind's racing now.

- Don't worry if this doesn't make sense. If you do up on the more playful nature of this entry, please don't commit a logical fallacy of composition and suppose I'm "fine" in general. Didn't sleep until 04:00 haha. Plans are hoping ahead for me to live in a 'supported living' centre for a year, though it's very pricey so I'll make a FundMe thing for anybody who would like to help - regularly or not.